Youtube punition BDSM: Nous avons interviewé une domination professionnelle! Domme Claire | Combler l’écart

Une exploration de « punition BDSM » signée Andy Wells

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Le titre de cette vidéo est We Interviewed a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX! Domme Claire « Channel de Claire: https://www.youtube.com/@domme_claire Brandon’s Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@brandonthedom 00:00 intro 01:15 est-ce que vous êtes soumis que vous êtes « moins que »? 03:15 Aider les soumissives à grandir 05:52 Est-ce qu’elle a des relations sexuelles avec ses sous-marins? 12:07 soumis de se faire pression pour faire du bon travail 18:50 À quoi ressemble être un dom? 21:05 Claire est-elle plus féminine ou masculine? 27:16 Comment Claire se garde-t-elle en sécurité? 28:32 préfère-t-elle les clients en cours? 29:15 BDSM est thérapeutique? 32:06 PUNITION ET FUNITION 35:41 Dégradation 39:57 Amour et acceptation inconditionnels 43:57 Ses clients sont-ils masculins ou femmes? 48:45 Essayer d’aider les gens qui ne veulent pas être aidés 52:49 Claire & Brandon’s Socials ».

Sur YouTube, les utilisateurs peuvent partager des vidéos qui abordent une gamme de sujets variés, allant de l’éducation à des intérêts personnels, dans un cadre où la sécurité, l’anonymat et la diversité sont des priorités. Chaque vidéo peut offrir une perspective unique tout en restant fidèle aux normes communautaires.

Adopter la punition dans la dynamique des jeux BDSM

Mélanger douleur et désir pour une expérience sensuelle et intense

La douleur dépasse le simple ressenti sensoriel pour devenir un vecteur de sensations intenses et personnelles. Ce partage intensifie la relation entre dominant et soumis, qui repose sur la confiance, le respect des limites et la volonté commune d’explorer ensemble, en sécurité. Ce qui compte n’est pas la douleur brute, mais ce qu’elle révèle et construit dans la liaison bdsm. Lire avec attention les réactions physiques et émotionnelles du soumis est indispensable : un excès de douleur tue le plaisir, un déficit le rend inefficace. https://www.ilovebdsm.org rassemble une communauté engagée autour de l’univers de la punition . Dans une liaison bdsm, la douleur infligée lors d’une sanction est avant tout un outil au service d’une dynamique psychologique et émotionnelle profonde. Utilisée avec précaution, elle suscite un lâcher-prise où la personne soumise se remet pleinement à l’autorité. Cet abandon, conscient et volontaire, renforce la confiance et le lien. La douleur doit aussi déclencher une intensité émotionnelle forte, parfois cathartique, libérant des émotions enfouies et induisant un état de conscience altéré.

Les scénarios et équipements associés à la sanction

Dans l’optique de diversifier les sensations, l’utilisation de pinces, de bougies ou de cordes doit être envisagée, apportant une stimulation différente et un contrôle accru. Ces accessoires, choisis minutieusement, permettent de façonner la punition en un rituel commun, riche en puissance et en sensualité, où le désir découle autant de la scénographie que de l’action. Dans la sphère BDSM, la sanction s’intègre souvent dans des scénarios ou jeux de rôle, ajoutant une couche théâtrale et psychologique à la relation de domination et soumission. Ces mises en scène symbolisent le pouvoir dans un cadre consensuel et codifié. La dominante peut, par exemple, incarner une cheffe stricte et punir son employé pour une faute fictive, renforçant son autorité par la fiction. De même, une maîtresse doit corriger son esclave masculin pour une désobéissance, accentuant le contraste entre contrôle et soumission. Certains pratiquent un « tribunal bdsm » où le soumis est jugé selon des règles prédéfinies et puni sur un verdict scénarisé. Ces jeux offrent une riche exploration érotique et émotionnelle. Les instruments employés varient en fonction de l’intensité recherchée : la fessée à main nue, intime et directe, ou la canne, le martinet et la paddle pour une douleur plus importante et ciblée.

Analyser la fonction de la punition dans les relations bdsm

Punir sans violence

La punition SM est un acte ritualisé, encadré par le consentement, qui matérialise l’asymétrie de pouvoir convenue entre une femme dominante et son partenaire masculin soumis. Qu’elle soit physique (fessée), mentale (privation), ou symbolique (porter un collier), la punition SM vise moins à faire souffrir qu’à structurer la relation et nourrir une forme de désir codifié.

Explorer les types de sanctions et leurs objectifs

Dans toutes les dynamiques bdsm, certaines punitions – physiques, psychologiques ou sexuelles – jouent un rôle crucial. Elles modèlent la relation, encadrent les comportements et intensifient les liens de domination et de plaisir.

Cultiver un équilibre de domination respectueux et durable

Signification des safewords et importance des règles de protection

Le safeword représente une ligne de sureté essentielle. Il offre au soumis la possibilité d’interrompre la séance en cas de dépassement des limites. Sans ce garde-fou, la punition BDSM peut devenir abusive. Échanger est indispensable : discuter avant la séance pour poser les limites, parler des envies et des espaces à découvrir, puis prendre le temps après pour faire le point sur les ressentis, les ajustements et les vécus de chacun·e. Ces attentions ne restreignent pas le jeu, elles en sont la clé : en assurant la protection physique et émotionnelle, elles ouvrent la voie à une circulation harmonieuse du pouvoir dans un cadre de confiance absolue. Le site www.punish.life combine contenu éducatif et service de punition pour plonger concrètement dans la pratique de la punition. Pour assurer la sécurité dans les jeux BDSM avec punitions ou dynamiques de pouvoir, il est impératif de respecter certains principes clés. Le safeword, mot simple à prononcer mais peu courant dans un contexte érotique, comme « rouge », doit être choisi pour servir de signal d’arrêt clair. Il permet au soumis de reprendre le contrôle si une limite est franchie, garantissant ainsi le respect du consentement. Il est aussi recommandé de prévoir un protocole précis pour stopper toute activité en cas d’urgence, que ce soit par un mot, un geste ou un signe convenu, surtout lorsque la communication verbale est restreinte.

La place centrale du consentement et de la confiance

Il est primordial d’établir clairement les limites : distinguer ce qui est tolérable, ce qui est limite, et ce qui est hors de question. Ces repères permettent d’ajuster la punition selon les règles convenues et de préserver un climat de confiance. Il faut aussi identifier les comportements qui méritent une sanction pour que la sanction garde son sens, soit rare et juste, et ne devienne ni banale ni arbitraire. Cette rigueur d’écoute, de préparation et d’intention fait de la sanction un outil puissant pour renforcer le lien dominant·e/soumis·e, indépendamment du genre ou de la configuration relationnelle. Avant d’appliquer une sanction dans une dynamique sadomaso, il est essentiel de comprendre en profondeur ce qui motive et ce qui peut freiner son ou sa soumis·e, afin d’agir dans un cadre sûr, consensuel et érotique sans mettre en danger la relation. Dans l’univers sadomaso, en particulier pour la soumission d’un homme, la confiance et le consentement mutuel sont incontournables. Ils reposent sur une communication honnête qui définit clairement les frontières, envies et interdits.

Offrir un soutien adapté à la fin de la session

Veiller à l’apaisement émotionnel après la séance

L’aftercare, surtout après une sanction SM intense, est indispensable. La soumission amène souvent des émotions complexes : honte, euphorie, tristesse, soulagement, qu’il faut accueillir et accompagner avec attention. Le soin après séance, ou aftercare, est une phase indispensable dans le BDSM, particulièrement après une sanction ou une scène forte. Il a pour but de consoler, réparer et renforcer le lien entre partenaires. Différents rituels peuvent être mis en place : un câlin pour la chaleur et la sécurité, un mot doux pour rassurer, un bain chaud ou un massage pour détendre et prolonger la douceur du moment. Il est essentiel de consacrer du temps à la discussion, pour partager ce qui a plu ou déplu, ce qui a été réussi ou problématique, afin d’adapter les pratiques à venir et de renforcer la complicité. L’aftercare dépasse la simple reprise du quotidien : c’est un moment de soin réciproque, de reconnaissance mutuelle et d’ancrage, qui élève l’expérience sadomaso en un acte profondément humain et partagé.

le sens profond de la punition

Dans une relation bdsm, la punition pratiquée avec respect, empathie et créativité devient un vecteur fort de connexion émotionnelle, de discipline et de désir partagé. Elle permet, dans les couples où la femme domine et l’homme se soumet, d’ancrer une dynamique érotique intense et adaptée.

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#Nous #avons #interviewé #une #domination #professionnelle #Domme #Claire #Combler #lécart

Retranscription des paroles de la vidéo: Ladies, gentlemen, we are joined here by Brandon the Dom and the amazing Dom Cla. I want to give a little backstory behind this episode. So, Brandon and I have met a few times, done a few episodes. We’ve met a few female doms and we’ve researched a little bit and there’s quite a few out there who maybe don’t care as much about their submissives and there’s plenty of male dominatrix or dominance who are exactly the same. We went on a little journey to see if we could find someone who seems to have a lot of love in their heart and really loves what they’re doing and is really like careful and gentle and loving with their subs and all of that. So, we did some research. We found you, Claire. We think a lot of dominance gets sort of like a bad rap in this community. We found you. We’d love to know like you and maybe some of your philosophies when it comes to dominating and you know what you like to do. Firstly, I like I’m a firm believer in advocating for mental health and like mental health in BDSM and BDSM for mental health. I think it does wonders and there’s a lot of very healing for people. And then of course there’s some just personal ethics of like integrity and honesty and transparency that goes hand inhand with what I do. So I try to bring that into my work. Yeah. And I watched an interview that you did because you’ve done some interviews with some of your submissives like on your YouTube channel. There was one interview you did with one of your subs, Allan, who’s a legend. We’ve talked about Allan a bit. He’s absolute legend. He said the overarching sentiment in the community, as in in the BDSM community, is that submissives don’t have value as such or that being submissive makes you less of a person. I’ve seen that and I’ve heard that and I’ve even had some submissives come to me and say like essentially I don’t think I have high self-esteem. Can you degrade me? Can you treat me like [ __ ] Can you just like do whatever you want to me and like I don’t deserve any better. So I guess like have you had some submissives like that? Has that been your experience where some people just look at BDSM as like the dominant is basically abusing or like talking down to or belittling the submissive and there’s no like reciprocation or love or positive energy there. There’s definitely been subs who’ve come from a background of that and I think based on what they see on my website they see that they won’t get that that they’ll be treated as a person who’s got value and respect. So there’s definitely people who have come with that trauma background, but there’s also people who just are into the degradation. I actually did a workshop tonight on humiliation and degradation. So it’s hilarious that you’re talking about that right now. How do you navigate like humiliation, degradation, dirty talking, all of that while still doing it with love? Oh, that I think the afterare is such a big thing with that. and also incorporating ownership language. So instead of calling someone a good toy, say you’re my good toy or you’re such a good toy for me. I I called it the holy trinity tonight where I said the holy trinity is like the degradation, the ownership language and then incorporating praise into it as well. Exactly. In that sentence of like saying instead of like saying you’re a dirt bag, whatever, you’re such a good toy for me. Like it’s the praise, the ownership, and the degradation all in one go. You Cla said in a video, most porn, especially on sites like Pornhub and like mainstream stuff like that, it shows BDSM in a very degrading way to like break the person down, especially when it’s like a female dom to a male submissive. Oh my god. Like that’s just like straight up abusing the guy and all of that. But when you like to do it, you like to do degradation in a way that like affirms the person, makes them feel good about themselves, I guess. What’s the difference? Like is it just literally the praise thing and the ownership language? I think it’s also the tone and the eye contact and they they can genuinely feel the care in that. Um it’s not just being mean to someone for the sake of being mean. It’s they can they can pick up on the energy that I’m putting out there. And that I think makes a massive difference. I wanted to ask a little more about your philosophy and intention behind um dominance because part of the reason Andy and I wanted to have this podcast is because we’ve seen a lot of the that other version where it’s complete degradation and it seems like there isn’t care or love and intention behind it. And so when we found you, we seen a lot of you uplifting your submissives and a lot of structure around helping them grow as people. So, I was wondering if you could talk a little bit more about that philosophy behind your domination. I I don’t know. I I really care about my subs and it’s beautiful to be able to hold space for someone and facilitate an environment in which they can go from someone who might be super awkward and shy or something like that to someone who grows and becomes fully confident in themselves. And it’s it’s just magical to be part of that person’s journey. And it’s it’s beautiful. And I just I got hooked on that. And I I’ve often said to people that I like I view myself as a healer. Like the work that I do is deeply healing for people. So I it just aligns with me viewing myself as a healer. Then that I get to be part of this person’s journey where they just grow and become an awesome even more awesome person. Mhm. Because you do like literal mentorship with people like on your website you have you list that you do coaching like you coach people with their goals and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. The um development dynamic which you can compare to like kinky life coaching because like in normal life coaching you don’t get to like punish someone like I get to do that and I get to reward them. You are very professional with your dominate like doming. Whereas like Brandon and I will date or have sex with people that we’re doing BDSM with, but for you it’s very like Do you want to maybe talk about what you do? It’s very like it’s not that it’s nonsexual, but like you’re not having like penetrative sex with them. You’re not getting undressed and all of that. Yeah. I’m very clear on my boundaries. It’s stated on my website. like I I don’t get undressed like my feet might get undressed for foot worship session but that’s about it. Um I I’m very strict on my professional boundaries. I yeah they’re just part of my identity and my brand and it’s just it’s about very much about making sure that I’m comfortable as well so that I can give my all to my subs and that’s just part of what makes me feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. And I’ve had sessions like that too where it’s like I don’t take my clothes off and I tell the person beforehand I say we’re going to try something different especially if they’re very new and inexperienced like maybe the first or the the second time that we play together. I will literally keep all my clothes on and I will just say like I’m going to almost enter this like professional role of like looking after you. And I find that that helps me focus on them a lot more and what I’m doing and caring about them and all of that cuz obviously I’m not getting as horny like literally. Yes. Has that been a brief for you? Like you don’t want to get too like turned on cuz you’re trying to focus on the person. You don’t want it to become too sexual which might sound wild to people cuz people would say BDSM is sex but like Yeah. I guess how do you define it? In the beginning I used to get turned on by my work but I don’t anymore at all. like it’s just a professional boundary for myself to not because I do feel that it takes away from the focus of having the focus on the sub. For me, it’s all about the sub and prioritizing their well-being throughout the whole experience and I don’t want anything to detract or take my focus away from that. So, that’s also been a professional boundary that I made with myself. I I think it’s also important in this conversation like even as the doms like we also have boundaries and limitations that we have to speak up for and it’s usually easier for the dom because we’re kind of facilitating the situation. Um, but sometimes, especially, I think in our shared mentality of where we’re focusing on the submissive, trying to facilitate a great experience for them, we can sometimes forget our own boundaries or limitations because we’re like, oh, if I do this thing, it’ll be good for the submissive, but does it feel good for me? Um, we were talking about, you know, degradation earlier. I have a specific boundary around degradation that I won’t do it if you’re using it as a way to reinforce a negative self-image. um I will only do degradation if like you’re doing work to actually make a better self-image for yourself and it’s something that you enjoy. But yeah, I’m probably going to mix in a lot more praise ownership that trifecta that you’re talking about um to make it more empowering. So, you know, that’s just an example, but I think anybody that’s stepping into being a dominant, don’t forget what your own boundaries are and what you’re willing to do for the submissive. Yeah. And I think it’s important to figure out those boundaries before you try and deal with the submissive. Just like setting up a simple like yes, no, maybe worksheet for yourself. Like listing things in those columns of like yes, I’m so so keen on this or maybe do this or no, that’s an absolute nogo. I think just a simple exercise, but just even writing it down really helps you figure out what those are for you. Yeah. Something that I did that’s kind of similar to that when I first started learning BDSM is I basically assumed everything was a no for me until I’d given myself a little bit of time to think about it. So like the first couple of people that I tried some BDSM stuff with, I had some ropes and I was like, « Hey, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. You don’t know what you’re doing. Do you want to try the ropes together? » And they were like, « Okay. » And so we tried that. And then in the middle of one of my first ever sessions, they asked for some stuff. And I was like, « I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I do that. I don’t know what that would look like. I don’t know why you want me to do that. Like I think it was something like she wanted me to slap her face or something and I was like I don’t understand that. And so rather than just go yeah sure slap and then deal with the consequences. Like I basically said let’s try that next time. And then I was able to go away do some research Google it be like why would someone want me to slap their face? Like what is that? Isn’t that abuse? And like research it a bit and look deeper and then I could try that. I found that served me pretty well. And I try and say the same thing to any women that I’m dating or playing with is like assume something is a no until we have a little bit of time to think about it. Or if I ask you something, we’re going to stop. Like I’m not going to keep touching you and make you turned on cuz then you’re not fully rational. We’re going to stop for a little bit and we’re going to and I’m going to ask you like would you like to try this thing? And I feel like that’s a decent way. So it’s like you’re saying like no, yes, maybe. And I like to just assume a no until we think about it. Yeah. It’s actually the tantra space uses um the concept of a full body yes. So if it’s not a full body yes, then it’s it’s not if it’s not a full body yes, it’s a no, which is very like black and white, but it also helps you really check in with yourself and does it feel good in my mind, in my heart, and my gut. Like that’s the three check-in points that you do. Is it my Yeah. So because you can rationally think about something and say, « Yeah, I would like to do that. » But your heart or your gut might say no. So then if it’s not full three things saying yes, then you shouldn’t do that that day. Yeah. And I think that also helps helps illuminate where maybe your resistance might be. Like it gives yourself some curiosity like okay, you know, maybe I’m on this maybe line. It’s not a full body yes, but like where is the resistance? What? And maybe it’s I don’t understand how to do this. I don’t feel like I’m going to be safe. I have some bad emotions around this. I have trauma around this. you can kind of dig around and find okay what is the blockage here and then you can address that if you want and eventually it could turn into a full body so like Andy was talking about like giving space and time to investigate that. Yeah. Yeah. A resistance that I found that comes up a lot that isn’t something that I ever really thought about when I was first getting into BDSM is submissives putting pressure on themselves to do a good job. I find there’s a lot of like insecurity and like overthinking from people that I date where they’re like, « Oh, [ __ ] I hope I do a good job. I hope I’m good at this. I hope that I’m pleasing him. And all of that sort of stuff. And you don’t necessarily realize that unless you check in with them and say like, how are you feeling? Or like afterwards like, how was that? And they go, oh, did I do a good job? Like, was it okay? And it’s like, you did a great job. Like, I’m the facilitator. All you need to do is show up and like use your words and tell me what you like, tell me what you don’t like. Yeah. Have you, Claire, felt that some of your submissives put like pressure on themselves to like please you to do a good job and almost to the point of like not quite enjoying themselves because they’re too caught up in the like neurosis of pleasing? Absolutely. Yeah, it’s happened sometimes. I’ve seen it really more happen with my fem subs, the female subs who tend to get more in their heads about it and the people pleasers, regardless of their gender, the people pleasers are big on that. They just want to be told that they’re doing a good job and make you happy and yeah. So, it’s it’s a big one right there. What do you do in those moments when you’re aware of a submissive people pleasing or like overly trying to be good for you? I often do a grounding exercise with them. Doesn’t matter where we are in the scene. I will just do the deep breathing with them and connect with them. I’ll like if it’s an inerson session, I’ll like hold my hand on their chest and breathe with them so we connect that way and I will just reassure them that they’re doing amazing. Like they’re just exactly as they are welcome and they’re doing a good job regardless of what that looks like. So just that they’re entering a space that is very unfamiliar to the average person. Like BDSM itself is just this big scary like confusing thing to a lot of people and like yeah a lot of people in the middle of it are like what’s going on? Is this okay? Am I doing a good job? Like what will other people think? What do I think? Like is the dom happy with me? Like especially if you start introducing other things like a little bit of like rough play or spanking or anything like that. Sometimes in the middle of that the submissives can feel like [ __ ] I must be doing a bad job because like I’m getting spanked or I must be doing a bad job because of this. I find like praise is just like the butter on your toast, the butter on your sandwich. Like you have to slide it in there. I I can’t even imagine what a BDSM session would be without praise. That said, there are a few people that I have, you know, met, dated, played with who’ve told me like, « Yeah, I tried BDSM and like the guy literally just essentially beat the [ __ ] out of me and never once told me that I was a good person and told me I was bad all the time. » And like, « Yeah, I don’t like that BDSM stuff. » And you’re like, « Was there no praise whatsoever? » No, there was just constant like degradation and you’re bad and this sucks and you’re not good enough for me. So, you got to slide in that praise, guys and girls. Yeah. Slide in the praise everywhere. We all love praise. The Dom loves the praise, too. Give everyone praise. Yeah. What do you think it would be like for the Dom if you’re just like not praising? You’d be getting no praise back. I need my praise. Like, I’m a I’m a I have a praise king. I’ve I’ve said this to people. I have a freaking praise king. Like, you guys probably do, too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I love hearing like that’s what gets me going and like makes me so happy with the scene is if the sub was happy with the scene. Yeah. Yeah. I think I don’t think um a lot of people realize that like on the surface level um people look at domination as like oh you have complete control and you get to do whatever you want. Um and it’s like you you you reality a lot of times we’re like facilitating the session for the submissive to have a great experience and we’re getting really fed on that. I lean much more like pleasure dom focus. And so seeing a woman light up because of the things that I’m doing and getting months of pleasure and enjoying themselves like Yeah. that lights me up too. So I want to hear some praise on the other end as well. Yeah. I want to see a smile on the face. Yeah. It’s almost like we put our heads down and we’re like, can you please like pat me on the head and tell me I’m a good dom? Like tell me I’m doing a good job. I have lit I’m not even joking. I have literally done that like in the middle of a session. I’ve been like, « Can we pause? Like, are you enjoying this? » And they’re like, « Oh my god, this is great. » And I’m like, « Can I lie on your chest and you can rest my head and tell me that I’m doing a good job? » And like, most people are pretty happy to give that. That’s so wholesome. And I’m like, « All right, we can get back into it now. » Like, we’re ready to go again. Like, thanks. I needed that. I just want a little break and a little love. Like, yeah. Cuz sometimes, do you guys ever have this? Sometimes when you’re going really deep on a session, sometimes I feel like almost I don’t want to say lonely, but like there’s an element of I’m alone right now. Like I’m doing they’re in their own little world. They’re in subspace. They’re in the middle of enjoying everything I’m doing and I’m just here thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner. Do you guys ever have that like disconnect? Oh yeah. So deep in it and Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s and I could be thinking about the most random things and it’s such a mundane thing and then I have to bring myself pull myself back into the moment like focus focus on the there’s some guy like naked tied up you’re like spanking and you’re just thinking like oh god like I really got to pay my taxes like and he’s like oh yeah harder please harder and you’re like yeah god what am I going to do next week oh got to see my friend yeah okay like I’ve had But I mean that’s any job, right? Like Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess your job and I guess what we’re doing, but especially for you cuz you do it like professionally, it’s almost like your job requires a lot of focus and being present like maybe more than other jobs. Yeah. Yeah. Because when we’re in a session, I have to be the anchor for the submissive. So the sub can go and float off in sub space and have the bestest time, but I have to be grounded and focused and present and the anchor so that they can come back down to earth. I can also float in dom space, but at the same time I have to be grounded still. Yeah. So that they can come back. Yeah. I say it’s like like clicking over. You allow yourself to click over like into dom space or like when I do primal play or something like clicking over into that primal headsp space a little bit. But at least for myself and like building skills as a dom, I had to like click over a little bit, allow myself to be in that space, and then pull myself back so that I knew if I ever needed to, I could pull myself back and didn’t get lost often at one of those spaces. Yeah. I’m just curious, what does Dom dom space feel like for you physically? Holy [ __ ] this is a good question. Um, part of it is like like an immense satisfaction and there’s this like moment where I realize like I really do have ultimate control over this person like in this moment and there’s both like an immense like wow this feels great and also like wow that’s an immense amount of responsibility and so it’s both this kind of like fear and excitement all at once. Amazing. Yeah, I like that. For me, it’s so that but gratitude so much to the point where I could cry. I’ve cried a few times in sessions where I I like I it fully clicks in my head what you’re saying where I’m like, « Holy [ __ ] this person is like literally tied up in my bed blindfolded. Like they can’t get away. Like they’ve tried to resist on the bonds. Like they yes, they can use a safe word. Yes, they can say stop. Like Jesus Christ, they have like literally just given themselves like to me. » And in that moment, I’m like, this is some deep, wild, crazy stuff. Like, so much of being alive as a human is like feeling all these fears of vulnerability, being afraid of rejection, being terrified of getting hurt, terrified of like being used, terrified of all of that. This person has stuck all of that fear aside for just a moment in time and said to me, « I trust you and I trust the universe. I trust existence. I trust life itself that I’m going to be okay, that this will be okay. I am literally like putting my hands up and exposing myself and saying I trust you. And like that responsibility like I feel that so deeply. Like I said, sometimes I cry happy tears. I’m like, « Holy shit. » Like I’m going to pause for a second and just like really soak in this person’s like naked vulnerable body for half a second and just be like, « Okay, like how can I give them the thing that they want? » cuz they’re giving me something insane and incredible by just trusting me with this and I want to give them something beautiful back in return. So yeah, I that was such a good question, Cla. Like responsibility, love, gratitude, like those are kind of the feelings that I feel and responsibility probably the biggest one. Mhm. Oh, awesome. Thank you. You should interview us. That was a good question. God damn. I’m curious how you answer this question. I’m really curious. So, one of the women that I’m dating right now, she asked me a bunch of questions to ask you. She was very excited when she heard that we were talking to you. And she said, « I would really, really, really love to know about the energy she connects with as a female. » Dom, does she use her feminine energy or her masculine energy to dominate and which one comes naturally to her? Do you even think in terms of like masculine versus feminine? I do sometimes, but um that is an interesting question also because I identify as non-binary. So, it’s I I don’t I I feel like I have a balance between both energies. I I lean easily towards both. Um it’s so interesting. I I I don’t even I don’t even think about it really all the time, but um I think with the there’s certain things that will evoke the masculine energy and then there’s certain things that will evoke the more feminine energy. I’m trying to think of examples now, but that’s definitely there’s definitely a balance there in both being used there in the in the scenes. Brandon, do you have an answer to that question? Um, well, we were talking a little bit about this before we got on the call, but I partners that I have lean much more feminine and so I usually show up with a much more masculine energy, but sometimes that dynamic will get flipped even like midsession. Um, and I think, you know, Andy, you were giving an example of like wanting to be cuddled or like patted on the head, like held. Um, there’ll be times for me where like I want that nurturance, that feminine energy there, but then also feels like there’s this caregiving part and so they bring a little ma masculinity there and I think that helps to soften me a little bit. Um, so I’m not coming, you know, full 100% masculine, very extreme, and it gives a nice play or dynamic to that. Yeah. I think every human has like balance of masculine and feminine like yin and yang. We tend to like think in extremes like this is a woman, this is a man and then we tend to play out or exaggerate those traits especially men. men do this like I got to be hyper masculine alpha male and like I don’t know if you had this Brandon like did you have a sense at the start of BDSM of like I have to be super masculine like I can’t have any of that feminine energy like can’t have any of that stuff like I came into it like hyper masculine and it took me a while to add in more of the like gentle caregiving looking after people sort of energy. Yeah. I think um there’s a part of me that gentle caring energy is like natural to me. And I think I stuffed that or like like don’t do this. This is not part of being a dom until I really understood dominance later. And like the way I always portray it as leadership in the relationship and I’m like well part of being a good leader, part of being you know a king of a kingdom is caring for the people that you’re leading. And I’m like, so that can absolutely be a part and I just had to learn um the balance of it rather than putting it in a box and not having it come out. Yeah. Cla, like when you came into this, did you like when you first started this stuff, were you from the beginning, I guess what I’m trying to say is do you have like preconceived notions of like a dom has to be like this and I have to do exactly this or did you kind of just like figure it out as you went? I think I definitely had preconceived ideas. I um I thought doms were supposed to be super hard and sadistic as well and like I started out that way too. But then I kind of had to figure it out for myself as I went along because I didn’t have any mentors or access to mentorship every year. So I had to figure out a lot of it by myself and it was a lot with my own healing journey that that evolved where things changed and I just kind of became more my own dom rather than trying to adhere to a certain image of a dom. M there’s also like rules in the BDSM like I say rules but like yeah like rules in BDSM in the BDSM community where they’re like a DOM has to be like this or a dom should be like that a sub should be like this and I got caught up in a lot of that a lot of the labels and stuff like that and like you I thought a dom had to be I don’t know if I’d say sadistic but like definitely not super cold cold is the right word I thought and I thought that about the word professional dominator which like is that the label that you’d use for yourself, Claire? Yes, absolutely. I thought professional dominatrix means I’m going to say this in a funny way. She’s a [ __ ] [ __ ] Like that. That’s what I thought it had to be. Like she’s just straight up a [ __ ] and like you come to her and she’s just like a [ __ ] She’s dressed in like full like Lyra like latex or something and she’s just like get on the bench and he’s like okay mistress like sorry. And then she’s like she starts hitting him and he’s like a I’m sorry. And he’s like she’s like [ __ ] you piece of [ __ ] Like I don’t know. I thought that’s what professional dominatrix means. And then at the end of it he leaves and his self-esteem has gone down and she gets money out of it. And like that’s the exchange. That’s why we went looking for like loving dominatrixes and like found you cuz like yeah there’s a weird stereotype there. Professional dominatrix hates people hates men. Do you hate men cla? Um, don’t say I’m to that. Don’t say don’t say to that. No. Okay. Like genuinely. Yeah. I don’t like people that much in general. I don’t know that I could do my work ethically and honestly if I did hate men. It doesn’t mean that I in general trust and feel safe with them, but I don’t hate men. And I can’t hate men when so many of my clients are men and then do right by them. Okay. Can you please go deeper on what you said before? Like trust and safety. G, this is something that I don’t think about as much because I’m a man and I’m bigger than all of my submissives. Yeah. How do you balance safety for yourself? Like you remaining safe in a session. My vetting process plays a really good role in that. Um so I’ve formulated my application process in a way that the questions that are asked tell me a lot about the person’s intentions towards me. So, I can easily tell when someone is just viewing me as like a kink dispenser or trying to objectify or sexualize me or their experience versus when someone is being genuine about a relationship with me. So, my basing process helps me weed out the stuff I don’t want. And then with the intro session, that also helps me get a feeling of the person and I always trust my gut with that. And from there on it’s they’re welcome to come to the dungeon and then it’s I have to trust them the same way they have to trust me. I haven’t really ever had issues though. Do you prefer to have ongoing you said the word relationships like like multiple sessions with the same do you call them client? Yeah. I prefer having a long-term relationship or dynamic with a person where we have multiple sessions every week, not every week but like monthly and so on. I find it builds a lot deeper and the sessions you can push further with the sessions and you learn more about the person and it kind of becomes more meaningful and deeper and it’s just beautiful and that’s where the journey is with this person where you can facilitate the healing experience for them. Healing seems to play a big part of it for you and it does for me and for Brandon and I as well. Are you going into every session with that mindset of like like what is your mindset and your intention? Do you set an intention before every play session most of the time? Yes. For it depends also on the person um and where they’re at in their journey and their goals and expectations. So if it’s a new person for example or someone who’s either new to me or new to the scene completely then exploration might be the intent and goal. So then it’s just a gentle exploration of different things and sussing it out. And then the deeper we go, the better we can go. So then I can start working on specific things like their confidence or their people pleasing and saying sorry too many times. Then I can start working like towards specific things and having an specific intent. Um, for some, um, I might even go more on the spiritual side of kink and like include more spiritual elements for them because that’s part of their journey. So, it really it depends on each person’s journey um, where they’re at, but I definitely do have an intention for each scene. Yes. Okay. Would you mind giving like an example of let’s say you feel someone has a lot of like peopleleasing elements and like you said they say sorry too many times like they keep saying oh my god please I’m sorry I’m sorry please forgive me like to the point where they’re not okay and they’re just racked with guilt. How would you start sort of like untangling that and helping them with that? I try to combat it and by saying just reaffirming like, hey, you you don’t have anything to say sorry for. Like if they say sorry I’m being annoying, like I’m I just say like, no, you’re not being annoying at all. You’re worth my time. Like it’s okay. Um I’m here for you. So I validate them and I tell them you don’t have to say sorry. And then sometimes um I incorporate some little punishments. So what works with brats especially is if they have to drink water for every time that they say sorry unnecessarily because they hate that. And with one brat recently the water drinking didn’t help with her. She said sorry as she was taking off of water. So such a bad thing to do. So for her, I um I started saying, « Okay, for every time that I pick up that she’s saying sorry, that she’s not supposed to say sorry for, she has to put a clothing peg on her tongue for one minute. » So that’s that’s sometimes the punishments start working there as well. Yeah. Yeah. Do you always like when you punish I guess what is the energy behind your punishment? Because a lot of people hear the word punish and they think back to like parents smacking them as a child with like anger and hatred as they’re doing it. Like a the word punishment comes with so many connotations of violence, hate, anger, rage and like a dislike of the person in that moment. So I make a clear distinguish between a punishment and a punishment. So, a punishment is something that the sub has like a lovehate relationship with. That could be something as simple as like a light spanking. And then a punishment could be harder spanking, for example, something that they genuinely don’t like doing or like writing lines. And I only the punishments I dish out whenever just because I’m a sadist and I’m having fun and I want you to be weird for a minute. So, and then the punishments are only for actual transgressions. Like if they missed their bedtime, then I will give them a punishment of like 30 minutes earlier bedtime for 3 days. Um, so the punishment has to fit the crime very much so that it actually works. If they speaking badly about themselves, then I might tell them, okay, you have to write affirmation lines like 100 times. So it’s not the punishments that I do are always to help them grow and be better rather than just break them down or punish them harshly. It’s just more focused on uplifting them. Correct. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I love how your version of punishment is like I’m trying to help them with their sleep and I’m trying to help them affirm themselves and love themselves more. This [ __ ] won’t love themselves enough. I’m going to like help them with that. I do the same [ __ ] Like I I don’t do it as a punishment, but I do it with my clients where I’m like like if they come to the coaching and they they keep being very negative and getting caught up in beating themselves up. I’ll be like, « All right, write five reasons why you’re a great human being. » Or if they’re like, « No woman will ever love me. I’m never going to get a girlfriend. » I’m like, « Right 50 reasons why someone would love you. » And like there’s not a punishment, but it’s like Yeah. Brandon, you said like corrective behavior or like reframing almost. Yeah. Um, I usually give them out as assignments. So, I don’t frame them as punishments, but I’m like, « Okay, you have an assignment this week. » Um, like I have a submissive now that she was having struggling like loving herself. And I was like, « You know what? I think I have an assignment for you this week. I’m like, every day I want you to write a note of something you love about yourself. Put it on the mirror and then I want you to send a picture of it to me. » And she’s had to do that for the last two weeks. So, anytime something like that comes up, I do it as assignments. Um, I do punishments every once in a while, but they’re very rare and in between and it’s like a major transgression. And I’m usually it’s trying to delineate this is a value that we both hold and you’re not following the value. You’re not saying you’re not being the person that you say you want to be. So, I’m going to make this a clear distinction in your mind. And those rarely ever happen, but when they do, that’s when I would use a punishment. Yeah. One of the women that I’m seeing right now, she sent me this like meme that she saw on Instagram that just said, « BDSM torture scene. Will you force me to like myself? » And she’s like, « Is this you, daddy? » And I was like, « Yeah, kind of. » Like I guess maybe coming from the other side of things, like a few of your boundaries, Cla, cuz you on your website, you list all of your boundaries, which I freaking love. So before people even meet you or do an intro session with you, it’s like here’s the things Claire will not do. One of them that you put is degradation aimed at identity. Another one was making a submissive cry intentionally. Another one was like body shaming them. Those are all like self-esteem kind of things, right? Like you’re trying not to lower that person’s self-esteem. Absolutely. Those are those are just hard limits that I knew were hard limits. I’d never tried it even. Like I just knew I not something I ever want to do. I don’t want to break down this person’s identity or self-esteem. I only want to help them be and grow and feel good about themselves. M those are three very important cla I’m wondering I know for myself so like speaking for myself um I see like an immense power in being the dominant to be able to facilitate that journey for a semester but I see that I am only able to do it now because I went through that journey myself of building up my self-esteem or making myself um better in different areas of my life and so I’m curious did you hold these views the same that you know the views that you hold now did you hold them in the beginning or you know what was the journey for you um in growing as a doll there were some things that were that way from the start but definitely a lot of these evolved over the years as I went through my own healing process as well kind of the same as you then with the same healing process and just seeing but okay these are not and also from experience not just from my own healing experience, but also from dealing with different subs and seeing how things can impact them. I’m like, whoa, no, this is not something I want to touch on. I think especially the like body shaming stuff and like shaming, like you said, uh, degradation directed at identity. Um, that ties into what you were saying before about using I think you said the word possessive or ownership language. So, so I want to make this distinction really clear for anyone listening who doesn’t understand what we’re talking about. So, degradation directed at someone’s identity would be like saying you suck or you are a piece of [ __ ] or like you are a [ __ ] But what we instead do is say you’re my little [ __ ] And that might seem like such a tiny little distinction of like you’re just saying the word my and it’s like yeah yeah yeah. What you’re saying is in this moment in time for me in this play session, you are almost like roleplaying as my little [ __ ] but you are not a [ __ ] as a human being. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person as a human being. You don’t have to go out there into the real world and like judge yourself as this thing. I think that distinction is really key, but I have had a few people that have come to me for BDSM play and they say, « Yeah, my last stom told me like I am a slut. » Like you are straight up a [ __ ] or you’re a bad girl. I think that’s the biggest one. like you’re a bad girl or a bad boy can really start to get in someone’s head like if you aim it at them as a human being. Yeah. I think there’s also a like when you’re adding in that possessive element um them being the [ __ ] or whatever you’re calling them is empowering because it’s the behavior that you want in that moment from them and so you’re like you’re doing it like this is really great for me. But the second part of it is allowing them to be fully human. Like we all have these other parts of us like being a [ __ ] or whatever. And what I’m doing is affirming that in you. I’m seeing your full humanity. This part that everybody else says is bad and is not okay to have. I’m saying yes, I want that. It’s beautiful. Please keep doing it. Yeah, I fully agree with that. That’s actually one of the things that I said at the workshop earlier tonight is like the ownership language just means that you’re holding this. You’re seeing this person in everything the full state that they’re in and welcoming all of it and saying this is good. I like this. Let’s play with this. Mhm. That’s beautiful. CLA, you’re basically talking about like non-judgmentalism, complete acceptance of the person, and almost unconditional love. Like a big part of BDSM as the dome, at least the way it seems like the three of us do it, is like literally accepting that person. How do you do that in a way where you are still saying like here are the qualities that I want you to imbue or to be. Here are the standards that I expect for you and there will be some punishment if you don’t meet those standards. But I won’t hate you for it. Like I’ll still accept that you were a little bit bratty. I’ll accept that you didn’t do what you were told and I’ll love you through that. Like there’ll be consequences but the consequences will come with love. Exactly like that. Like with the communication like yeah the everything had to be so clearly communicated and my communication skills improved vastly from doming and learning to work with different people. Um I thought I was okay with communication before and then I started doming and I was like okay wait now I know what communication is. And literally just being transparent with that and being clear of like, hey, I’m not rejecting you as a person. I’m still welcoming you, you and it’s okay that you made a mistake, but this is what I want from you and this is what we’re working towards and here’s a consequence for you because the consequences are part of the structure that they need. They sometimes they do things on purpose to see if you’re going to care enough to enforce what you said you or if you’re going to hold the structure and the boundaries. So, you have to enforce it. You have to be consistent with all of those things. Yeah. M I also find um when you’re like laying these expectations out and you’re telling them like the things that we’re doing are here to help you grow or become a better person that sometimes that gets looked at as the person that they are now is not enough or that they’re less than or something like that. And I’ve had to navigate letting them know I accept you as a person and you who you are and helping them like pull apart their identity of like what they look like or what they do skills that they have and this immutable part of them as a human part of humanity that we all accept and respect and love. We can improve these other things but it doesn’t mean that you’re less than. And when I have expectations it’s because I believe in you enough to be able to do those things. It’s not because I’m saying you’re not enough. You have to be these things. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Because this is the same as like my life coaching and stuff. You’re saying I can see the potential in you, but who you are right now is more than enough. And I phrase it like this. You’re great right now. You’re perfect right now. And in the future, you’ll just be a little bit more. And that seems like a contradiction cuz you’re like, but that means I’m not enough right now. It’s like, no, we’re not in the future yet. Things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you want to be more confident, that will take time. That doesn’t mean your future self is better than you right now. Although at the same time, yes, it does. Like two things can be true at the same time. In the future, you will be more. Right now, you are enough. In the future, you’ll be enough in that moment, too. So, it’s sort of like it seems like a paradox. The self-improvement paradox is you saying, « I’m not enough right now. » But you are. So, it’s like you’re just wrapping it up in love. The same way when you were born, you didn’t know how to walk. Now, you know how to walk. Does that mean you sucked as a baby? You know, you were perfect as a baby. Like, wow, I’m doing such a [ __ ] job as this baby. I can’t even walk. I can’t even feed myself. I can’t even Andy, what kind of dom are you? Freaking degraded babies now. Yeah. You just see baby, you see like a mother pushing her baby in the pram and you just walk up, you’re like, « Your baby sucks, woman. » Like, you can’t even hold a job. like [Laughter] yeah I guess back on back on topic okay completely changing directions you mentioned before that you have some male submissives some female submissives like do you work with one more than the other do you prefer working with one more than the other how does the energy change between them I have a good mix of all genders I’ve got trans and non-binary people, too. Um, it’s I think it’s a very good mix between them. My South African clientele is more male, but internationally it’s it’s a nice blend of everything. I haven’t really noticed a difference in energy, I think, because it’s still it boils down to the submissive energy. I don’t maybe it’s also just me being autistic and not seeing gender in people and noticing that but it’s just it’s more about the person’s energy for me than about their actual bits that physically what they’ve got going on. You’re still the same. Yeah. Do you change? I guess that’s my question. Do you change or do you show up with the same energy each time? Like like do you literally think differently depending on the gender or the sexuality or like No, I don’t think so. I think I treat everyone basically the same. I don’t have a preference with working with different people. It’s honestly just if a sub comes to me with the right energy and the right mindset, that curiosity and open-mindedness, then I’m happy to explore and play with them. I don’t the other stuff doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t really matter to me. It might change the physical of what you’re doing. Like if someone has different genitals, you obviously like there’s something different down there, but like yeah, the energy is the same, I guess. Do you change depending on the energy of the subden? So like if someone comes to you and they’re just absolutely like a people pleaser and they’re just like, « Please Claire, please like like please like me. » versus if someone comes and they’re like, « Hm, Cla, you’re going to have to like make me do things like that bratty energy. » Does that change your sessions? Absolutely. Yes. Yes. I I’ve sometimes said and I didn’t coin this term. Someone else on Tik Tok said this that um they refer to themselves as like a chameleon dom where like you adapt your style to the sub that you’re playing with and what their so that’s I kind of view myself as comedian dom in that regard where it’s it’s fully adapts to whoever I’m playing with. Very good and stimulating for the brain. Yeah. No. Okay. We me too. Um, so Brandon calls himself like a pleasure dom. I call myself a facilitator. Like whatever experience they are coming to me for, I want to facilitate that. Like would that be a good explanation of you and your style? Yeah, facilitator is amazing. That’s an amazing term for it. Yeah. Well done. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I think people have um I I’ll I’ll quickly say Go ahead. You’re being a brat, Brandon. [Laughter] I will quickly say I will quickly say uh [ __ ] I lost it. Fine. There you go. I’m being a brat. Brandon, you go. I submit. You go, brother. Uh, I was going to say, uh, there’s, um, a sex educator called Miss Ja, and she has something called a blueprint quizzes. And, um, one of the blueprints in there is called a shape shifter. And it’s basically somebody that can shift their, um, sexual identity to better match their partners and what, um, they want. And I’m definitely a person like that. However, the shadow side of that is you don’t always get your needs fulfilled because you’re always shifting to that other person. And I think part of my journey in being a dom was learning to speak up and assert my needs and like create and facilitate sessions that also met those. One of the reasons that I love dominance and submission in the framework is because at least for me as a dom, I’m trying to facilitate something that meets both our needs. Um, there’s a mutual vision or goal that we have and if that’s in a single play session, it might be, you know, extreme pleasure or something for both of us, but you know, I also do this stuff outside the bedroom and so it might be an entire vision for our relationship or our life depending on what we’re doing. But the dynamic allowing, okay, we’re both going to speak up for what we need and the things that we don’t want and try and create some sort of action plan towards that is something that I love about this dynamic and framework. Yeah. Segueing a little bit, CLA, you were talking with one of your subs, I think Alan, again, in one of your videos, and you said, « I care for each and every one of my submissives. I don’t want to play with you if I don’t care about you. I’m not going to enjoy it. you’re not going to enjoy it. Have you ever had experiences where like for whatever reason, like it doesn’t matter what the reason is, where you feel almost like you don’t care about the person, maybe just in that session, maybe in general, like and how have you navigated that? I’ve had a dynamic that I ended because of that. I had ended up with compassion fatigue with this person um because they there was just like an absolute refusal to try from their side and it was specifically that was one of my development dynamics and I just the refusal to try and then one week it might be better and then two weeks later it’s down in the dumps again and it was just an endless cycle and refusal to try and I got compassion fatigue with that and I knew that this was not a good place for me to be in anymore. So, I ended the dynamic with that person. Yeah, I’ve had that once or twice with people that I’ve dated and I’ve had that absolutely with coaching clients. Same thing exactly what you’re talking about where it’s like I’m really sad. I’m depressed. This sucks. My life sucks. And you’re like, okay, I get that. I’m here. I’m listening. And you’ll listen for hours and then okay, like how about we just try this one little baby step to start healing this thing. what if we get you out there to just talk to one stranger to start making some friends or like what if we just get you to go to the gym or just we do one little baby step and they go I can’t do that it’s too hard it’s it’s not going to work like and all of that and you you keep being that loving presence and you keep holding space and listening and then compassion fatigue yeah I haven’t heard that term but I think that’s yeah yeah it’s it’s it’s it’s not great when it happens because you don’t want to be that person that gives up on them. You don’t want to quit on them. Yeah. You don’t want to quit on them, but your energy is being sapped and you need to hold that boundary for your energy. Mhm. I always I call it like emotional capacity. I only have like there is a limit to my emotional capacity and I hate saying that um because I want to be there for that person fully as I can. But if we go over that limit now, anything that I’m giving you actually isn’t full 100%. like there’s a little bit of impresentment in there now. Um it’s not 100% pure. It’s not genuine. So I was like if you want genuine, we have to stay within this capacity. Yeah. Yeah. I I’m kind of going through this right now. Like I’ll keep the details out of it, but like I’m going through this in my personal life and one of my best mates said this to me yesterday. He was like, « Mate, the dynamic that you’re in right now with this person, you are trying to help them, but you’ve probably crossed over the boundary now where you’re actually taking away from them because it’s coming from a place of like resentment a little bit and like you wishing that they would just hurry up and change. You are probably just reinforcing that their own narrative that there’s something wrong with them. I know you don’t believe that, Andy. they believe that about themselves, but like this continual effort to try and help them is now just reinforcing that they desperately need help and like [ __ ] and they’re unhelpable and they’re a problem and they’re too depressed and all of that. He’s like probably the kindest thing you could do is either like give them space or cut it off or like whatever you got to do. So yeah, like I guess the three of us I I definitely get this sense from the two of you that like you want to be there for people, you want to help them, you want to love them, and like sometimes people just I don’t know, it’s like they’re not ready to be loved. They’re not ready to feel good. I think we talked about that at the start of this episode. Like sometimes people will come to you with like a self-hatred energy of like, I’m a piece of [ __ ] And no matter how much you try and lift them up, they might not want that or be ready for that is probably a kinder way of saying that. Claire, Claire, would you like to tell people where they can find more about you? Maybe your YouTube channel. Where can they sign up for your professional services and learn more about you? I am here on YouTube. My handle is dom_cla and you can also check out my website. The link is in my bio on my YouTube, but it’s also domlair.com. So, that’s the easiest way to see everything I do. Amazing. Thank you so much. Brandon, where can people find more of you, sir? Brandonthed.com is where you can find all my writing and content. I’m also on YouTube at Brandon the Dom. Amazing. I appreciate both of you. This was really cool. This was like This was like 10 times better than I thought it would be. and I already had high expectations. So, like, thank you. Awesome. That’s amazing. I’m glad. And thank you, uh, Claire for sharing all of this stuff that you did today and kind of like your insights. And it’s just good for like Andy and I to get, you know, different perspective. So, I really appreciate it. Anytime. Honestly, if you’ve got more stuff you want to do, I’m happy to do another evening. All right. Thank you so much, Claire. We’ll let you go. Go to bed if you want to. That’s not me telling you what to do. .

Déroulement de la vidéo:

0.48 Ladies, gentlemen, we are joined here by Brandon the Dom and the amazing Dom Cla. I want to give a little backstory behind
6.879 this episode. So, Brandon and I have met a few times, done a few episodes. We’ve met a few female doms and we’ve
13.12 researched a little bit and there’s quite a few out there who maybe don’t care as much about their submissives and
18.16 there’s plenty of male dominatrix or dominance who are exactly the same. We went on a little journey to see if we
23.6 could find someone who seems to have a lot of love in their heart and really loves what they’re doing and is really like careful and gentle and loving with
29.76 their subs and all of that. So, we did some research. We found you, Claire. We
34.8 think a lot of dominance gets sort of like a bad rap in this community. We found you. We’d love to know like you
40.32 and maybe some of your philosophies when it comes to dominating and you know what you like to do. Firstly, I like I’m a
46.32 firm believer in advocating for mental health and like mental health in BDSM and BDSM for mental health. I think it
53.76 does wonders and there’s a lot of very healing for people. And then of course there’s some just personal ethics of
59.359 like integrity and honesty and transparency that goes hand inhand with what I do. So I try to bring that into
65.199 my work. Yeah. And I watched an interview that you did because you’ve done some interviews with some of your submissives
70.4 like on your YouTube channel. There was one interview you did with one of your subs, Allan, who’s a legend. We’ve
75.68 talked about Allan a bit. He’s absolute legend. He said the overarching sentiment in the community, as in in the
81.52 BDSM community, is that submissives don’t have value as such or that being submissive makes you less of a person.
88.4 I’ve seen that and I’ve heard that and I’ve even had some submissives come to me and say like essentially I don’t
93.439 think I have high self-esteem. Can you degrade me? Can you treat me like [ __ ] Can you just like do whatever you want to me and like I don’t deserve any
100.0 better. So I guess like have you had some submissives like that? Has that been your experience where some people just look at BDSM as like the dominant
107.04 is basically abusing or like talking down to or belittling the submissive and there’s no like reciprocation or love or
114.159 positive energy there. There’s definitely been subs who’ve come from a background of that and I think
120.719 based on what they see on my website they see that they won’t get that that they’ll be treated as a person who’s got
127.92 value and respect. So there’s definitely people who have come with that trauma background, but there’s also people who
135.12 just are into the degradation. I actually did a workshop tonight on humiliation and degradation. So it’s
141.84 hilarious that you’re talking about that right now. How do you navigate like humiliation, degradation, dirty talking, all of that
148.0 while still doing it with love? Oh, that I think the afterare is such a
155.76 big thing with that. and also incorporating ownership language. So
160.879 instead of calling someone a good toy, say you’re my good toy or you’re such a good toy for me. I I called it the holy
168.319 trinity tonight where I said the holy trinity is like the degradation, the ownership language and then
174.8 incorporating praise into it as well. Exactly. In that sentence of like saying
180.0 instead of like saying you’re a dirt bag, whatever, you’re such a good toy
185.04 for me. Like it’s the praise, the ownership, and the degradation all in one go.
191.12 You Cla said in a video, most porn, especially on sites like Pornhub and like mainstream stuff like that, it
197.92 shows BDSM in a very degrading way to like break the person down, especially when it’s like a female dom to a male
204.959 submissive. Oh my god. Like that’s just like straight up abusing the guy and all of that. But when you like to do it, you
210.56 like to do degradation in a way that like affirms the person, makes them feel good about themselves, I guess. What’s the difference? Like is it just
216.239 literally the praise thing and the ownership language? I think it’s also the tone and the eye contact and they they can genuinely feel
223.92 the care in that. Um it’s not just being mean to someone
229.84 for the sake of being mean. It’s they can they can pick up on the energy that I’m putting out there. And that I think
235.519 makes a massive difference. I wanted to ask a little more about your philosophy and intention behind um
242.959 dominance because part of the reason Andy and I wanted to have this podcast is because we’ve seen a lot of the that
248.56 other version where it’s complete degradation and it seems like there isn’t care or love and intention behind
254.0 it. And so when we found you, we seen a lot of you uplifting your submissives
259.28 and a lot of structure around helping them grow as people. So, I was wondering if you could talk a little bit more
265.12 about that philosophy behind your domination. I I don’t know. I I really care about my
271.12 subs and it’s beautiful to be able to hold space for someone and facilitate an
277.6 environment in which they can go from someone who might be super awkward and shy or something like that to someone
285.12 who grows and becomes fully confident in themselves. And it’s it’s just magical
292.4 to be part of that person’s journey. And it’s it’s beautiful. And I just I got hooked on that. And I I’ve often said to
299.919 people that I like I view myself as a healer. Like the work that I do is deeply healing for people.
305.44 So I it just aligns with me viewing myself as a healer. Then that I get to
311.12 be part of this person’s journey where they just grow and become an awesome even more awesome person. Mhm.
319.12 Because you do like literal mentorship with people like on your website you have you list that you do coaching like you coach
325.199 people with their goals and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. The um development dynamic
330.56 which you can compare to like kinky life coaching
336.32 because like in normal life coaching you don’t get to like punish someone like I get to do
343.759 that and I get to reward them. You are very professional with your
350.88 dominate like doming. Whereas like Brandon and I will date or have sex with
356.56 people that we’re doing BDSM with, but for you it’s very like Do you want to maybe talk about what you do? It’s very like it’s not that it’s nonsexual, but
362.639 like you’re not having like penetrative sex with them. You’re not getting undressed and all of that.
368.24 Yeah. I’m very clear on my boundaries. It’s stated on my website. like I I don’t get undressed like my feet might
375.68 get undressed for foot worship session but that’s about it. Um I I’m very
382.0 strict on my professional boundaries. I yeah they’re just part of my identity and my brand and it’s just it’s about
389.52 very much about making sure that I’m comfortable as well so that I can give my all to my subs and that’s just part
396.56 of what makes me feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. And I’ve had sessions like that too where it’s like I don’t take my
403.12 clothes off and I tell the person beforehand I say we’re going to try something different especially if they’re very new and inexperienced like
410.08 maybe the first or the the second time that we play together. I will literally keep all my clothes on and I will just
415.6 say like I’m going to almost enter this like professional role of like looking after you. And I find that that
421.919 helps me focus on them a lot more and what I’m doing and caring about them and all of that cuz obviously I’m not
427.44 getting as horny like literally. Yes. Has that been a brief for you? Like you don’t want to get too like turned on cuz
433.759 you’re trying to focus on the person. You don’t want it to become too sexual which might sound wild to people cuz people would say BDSM is sex but like
441.12 Yeah. I guess how do you define it? In the beginning I used to get turned on by my work but I don’t anymore at all.
447.44 like it’s just a professional boundary for myself to not because I do feel that
452.479 it takes away from the focus of having the focus on the sub. For me, it’s all
457.52 about the sub and prioritizing their well-being throughout the whole experience and I don’t want anything to
463.199 detract or take my focus away from that. So, that’s also been a professional
468.4 boundary that I made with myself. I I think it’s also important in this
473.44 conversation like even as the doms like we also have boundaries and limitations
479.199 that we have to speak up for and it’s usually easier for the dom because we’re kind of facilitating the situation. Um,
485.199 but sometimes, especially, I think in our shared mentality of where we’re focusing on the submissive, trying to
492.16 facilitate a great experience for them, we can sometimes forget our own boundaries or limitations because we’re
497.919 like, oh, if I do this thing, it’ll be good for the submissive, but does it feel good for me? Um, we were talking
504.56 about, you know, degradation earlier. I have a specific boundary around degradation that I won’t do it if you’re
510.639 using it as a way to reinforce a negative self-image. um I will only do degradation if like
516.64 you’re doing work to actually make a better self-image for yourself and it’s something that you enjoy. But yeah, I’m
522.24 probably going to mix in a lot more praise ownership that trifecta that you’re talking about um to make it more
527.76 empowering. So, you know, that’s just an example, but I think anybody that’s stepping into being a dominant, don’t
534.56 forget what your own boundaries are and what you’re willing to do for the submissive.
539.92 Yeah. And I think it’s important to figure out those boundaries before you try and deal with the submissive. Just
546.32 like setting up a simple like yes, no, maybe worksheet for yourself. Like listing things in those columns of like
554.0 yes, I’m so so keen on this or maybe do this or no, that’s an absolute nogo. I
559.92 think just a simple exercise, but just even writing it down really helps you figure out what those are for you.
568.32 Yeah. Something that I did that’s kind of similar to that when I first started learning BDSM is I basically assumed
573.6 everything was a no for me until I’d given myself a little bit of time to think about it. So like the first couple
579.2 of people that I tried some BDSM stuff with, I had some ropes and I was like, « Hey, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. You don’t know what you’re doing.
585.839 Do you want to try the ropes together? » And they were like, « Okay. » And so we tried that. And then in the middle of one of my first ever sessions, they
592.32 asked for some stuff. And I was like, « I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I do that. I don’t know
597.6 what that would look like. I don’t know why you want me to do that. Like I think it was something like she wanted me to slap her face or something and I was like I don’t understand that. And so
604.32 rather than just go yeah sure slap and then deal with the consequences. Like I basically said let’s try that next time.
611.279 And then I was able to go away do some research Google it be like why would someone want me to slap their face? Like
617.04 what is that? Isn’t that abuse? And like research it a bit and look deeper and then I could try that. I found that served me pretty well. And I try and say
623.519 the same thing to any women that I’m dating or playing with is like assume something is a no until we have a little
628.8 bit of time to think about it. Or if I ask you something, we’re going to stop. Like I’m not going to keep touching you
634.079 and make you turned on cuz then you’re not fully rational. We’re going to stop for a little bit and we’re going to and I’m going to ask you
640.0 like would you like to try this thing? And I feel like that’s a decent way. So it’s like you’re saying like no, yes,
645.12 maybe. And I like to just assume a no until we think about it. Yeah. It’s actually the tantra space
651.2 uses um the concept of a full body yes. So if it’s not a full body yes, then
657.92 it’s it’s not if it’s not a full body yes, it’s a no, which is very like black and white, but
665.68 it also helps you really check in with yourself and does it feel good in my mind, in my heart, and my gut. Like
672.64 that’s the three check-in points that you do. Is it my Yeah. So because you
677.839 can rationally think about something and say, « Yeah, I would like to do that. » But your heart or your gut might say no.
683.839 So then if it’s not full three things saying yes, then you shouldn’t do that that day.
690.16 Yeah. And I think that also helps helps illuminate where maybe your resistance might be. Like it gives yourself some
696.72 curiosity like okay, you know, maybe I’m on this maybe line. It’s not a full body yes, but like where is the resistance?
703.04 What? And maybe it’s I don’t understand how to do this. I don’t feel like I’m going to be safe. I have some bad
708.399 emotions around this. I have trauma around this. you can kind of dig around and find okay what is the blockage here and then you can address that if you
715.04 want and eventually it could turn into a full body so like Andy was talking about like giving space and time to
720.399 investigate that. Yeah. Yeah. A resistance that I found that comes up a lot that isn’t something that I ever
726.72 really thought about when I was first getting into BDSM is submissives putting pressure on themselves to do a good job.
733.2 I find there’s a lot of like insecurity and like overthinking from people that I date where they’re like, « Oh, [ __ ] I
739.04 hope I do a good job. I hope I’m good at this. I hope that I’m pleasing him. And all of that sort of stuff. And you don’t necessarily realize that unless you
745.76 check in with them and say like, how are you feeling? Or like afterwards like, how was that? And they go, oh, did I do a good job? Like, was it okay? And it’s
751.92 like, you did a great job. Like, I’m the facilitator. All you need to do is show up and like use your words and tell me
758.32 what you like, tell me what you don’t like. Yeah. Have you, Claire, felt that some of your submissives put like
763.519 pressure on themselves to like please you to do a good job and almost to the point of like not quite enjoying themselves because they’re too caught up
769.44 in the like neurosis of pleasing? Absolutely. Yeah, it’s happened sometimes. I’ve seen it really more
775.519 happen with my fem subs, the female subs who tend to get more in their heads about it and the people pleasers,
784.079 regardless of their gender, the people pleasers are big on that. They just want
789.279 to be told that they’re doing a good job and make you happy and yeah. So, it’s
794.88 it’s a big one right there. What do you do in those moments when you’re aware of a submissive people
801.68 pleasing or like overly trying to be good for you? I often do a grounding exercise with
807.68 them. Doesn’t matter where we are in the scene. I will just do the deep breathing with them and connect with them. I’ll
813.519 like if it’s an inerson session, I’ll like hold my hand on their chest and breathe with them so we connect that way
820.48 and I will just reassure them that they’re doing amazing. Like they’re just exactly as they are welcome and they’re
826.959 doing a good job regardless of what that looks like. So just that
832.72 they’re entering a space that is very unfamiliar to the average person. Like BDSM itself is just this big scary like
841.04 confusing thing to a lot of people and like yeah a lot of people in the middle of it are like what’s going on? Is this
846.32 okay? Am I doing a good job? Like what will other people think? What do I think? Like is the dom happy with me?
851.44 Like especially if you start introducing other things like a little bit of like rough play or spanking or anything like
857.04 that. Sometimes in the middle of that the submissives can feel like [ __ ] I must be doing a bad job because like I’m
863.04 getting spanked or I must be doing a bad job because of this. I find like praise is just like the butter on your toast,
868.56 the butter on your sandwich. Like you have to slide it in there. I I can’t even imagine what a BDSM session would be without praise. That said, there are
875.839 a few people that I have, you know, met, dated, played with who’ve told me like, « Yeah, I tried BDSM and like the guy
882.24 literally just essentially beat the [ __ ] out of me and never once told me that I was a good person and told me I was bad all the time. » And like, « Yeah, I don’t
888.56 like that BDSM stuff. » And you’re like, « Was there no praise whatsoever? » No, there was just constant like degradation
893.6 and you’re bad and this sucks and you’re not good enough for me. So, you got to slide in that praise, guys and girls.
900.079 Yeah. Slide in the praise everywhere. We all love praise. The Dom loves the praise, too.
905.279 Give everyone praise. Yeah. What do you think it would be like for the Dom if you’re just like not praising? You’d
912.0 be getting no praise back. I need my praise. Like, I’m a I’m a I have a praise king. I’ve I’ve said this to
917.36 people. I have a freaking praise king. Like, you guys probably do, too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I love hearing
924.24 like that’s what gets me going and like makes me so happy with the scene is if the sub was happy with the scene.
930.639 Yeah. Yeah. I think I don’t think um a lot of people realize that like on the surface level um people look at
937.199 domination as like oh you have complete control and you get to do whatever you want. Um and it’s like you you you
943.36 reality a lot of times we’re like facilitating the session for the submissive to have a great experience and we’re getting really fed on that. I
949.759 lean much more like pleasure dom focus. And so seeing a woman light up because
955.44 of the things that I’m doing and getting months of pleasure and enjoying themselves like Yeah. that lights me up too. So I want to hear some praise on
962.16 the other end as well. Yeah. I want to see a smile on the face. Yeah. It’s almost like we put our heads
968.56 down and we’re like, can you please like pat me on the head and tell me I’m a good dom? Like tell me I’m doing a good job.
974.959 I have lit I’m not even joking. I have literally done that like in the middle of a session. I’ve been like, « Can we
980.079 pause? Like, are you enjoying this? » And they’re like, « Oh my god, this is great. » And I’m like, « Can I lie on your chest and you can rest my head and tell
985.6 me that I’m doing a good job? » And like, most people are pretty happy to give that.
991.04 That’s so wholesome. And I’m like, « All right, we can get back into it now. » Like, we’re ready to
997.199 go again. Like, thanks. I needed that. I just want a little break and a little love. Like, yeah. Cuz sometimes, do you guys ever have this? Sometimes when
1003.44 you’re going really deep on a session, sometimes I feel like almost I don’t want to say lonely, but like there’s an
1010.48 element of I’m alone right now. Like I’m doing they’re in their own little world. They’re in subspace. They’re in the
1015.92 middle of enjoying everything I’m doing and I’m just here thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner. Do you guys ever have that like disconnect?
1022.959 Oh yeah. So deep in it and Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s and I could be thinking about
1028.88 the most random things and it’s such a mundane thing and then I have to bring myself pull
1035.36 myself back into the moment like focus focus on the
1041.76 there’s some guy like naked tied up you’re like spanking and you’re just thinking like oh god like I really got to pay my taxes like and he’s like oh
1048.319 yeah harder please harder and you’re like yeah god what am I going to do next week oh got to see my friend yeah okay
1054.08 like I’ve had But I mean that’s any job, right? Like
1059.84 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess your job and I guess what we’re doing, but especially for you cuz you do
1065.679 it like professionally, it’s almost like your job requires a lot of focus and being present like
1071.679 maybe more than other jobs. Yeah. Yeah. Because when we’re in a session, I
1078.96 have to be the anchor for the submissive. So the sub can go and float off in sub space and have the bestest
1085.44 time, but I have to be grounded and focused and present and the anchor so that they can come back down to earth.
1093.2 I can also float in dom space, but at the same time I have to be grounded still.
1098.4 Yeah. So that they can come back. Yeah. I say it’s like like clicking over. You allow yourself to click over
1104.559 like into dom space or like when I do primal play or something like clicking over into that primal headsp space a little bit. But at least for myself and
1111.36 like building skills as a dom, I had to like click over a little bit, allow myself to be in that space, and then pull myself back so that I knew if I
1117.6 ever needed to, I could pull myself back and didn’t get lost often at one of
1122.88 those spaces. Yeah. I’m just curious, what does Dom dom space feel like for you physically?
1131.84 Holy [ __ ] this is a good question. Um, part of it is like like an immense satisfaction and
1140.08 there’s this like moment where I realize like I really do have ultimate control over this person like in this moment and
1146.88 there’s both like an immense like wow this feels great and also like wow that’s an immense amount of
1152.08 responsibility and so it’s both this kind of like fear and excitement all at once. Amazing. Yeah,
1157.679 I like that. For me, it’s so that but gratitude so much to the point where
1165.12 I could cry. I’ve cried a few times in sessions where I I like I it fully clicks in my head what you’re saying
1170.32 where I’m like, « Holy [ __ ] this person is like literally tied up in my bed blindfolded. Like they can’t get away.
1176.88 Like they’ve tried to resist on the bonds. Like they yes, they can use a safe word. Yes, they can say stop. Like
1182.88 Jesus Christ, they have like literally just given themselves like to me. » And in that moment, I’m like, this is some
1188.24 deep, wild, crazy stuff. Like, so much of being alive as a human is like
1194.96 feeling all these fears of vulnerability, being afraid of rejection, being terrified of getting hurt, terrified of like being used,
1202.4 terrified of all of that. This person has stuck all of that fear aside for just a moment in time and said to me, « I
1209.52 trust you and I trust the universe. I trust existence. I trust life itself
1214.72 that I’m going to be okay, that this will be okay. I am literally like putting my hands up and exposing myself and saying I trust you. And like that
1222.96 responsibility like I feel that so deeply. Like I said, sometimes I cry happy tears. I’m like, « Holy shit. » Like I’m going to pause for a second and just
1229.039 like really soak in this person’s like naked vulnerable body for half a second and just be like, « Okay, like how can I
1235.679 give them the thing that they want? » cuz they’re giving me something insane and incredible by just trusting me with this
1241.039 and I want to give them something beautiful back in return. So yeah, I that was such a good question, Cla. Like
1246.72 responsibility, love, gratitude, like those are kind of the feelings that I feel and responsibility probably the
1252.72 biggest one. Mhm. Oh, awesome. Thank you. You should interview us. That was a good question. God damn.
1261.12 I’m curious how you answer this question. I’m really curious. So, one of the women that I’m dating right now, she asked me a bunch of questions to ask
1267.36 you. She was very excited when she heard that we were talking to you. And she said, « I would really, really, really
1272.48 love to know about the energy she connects with as a female. » Dom, does she use her feminine energy or her
1278.64 masculine energy to dominate and which one comes naturally to her? Do you even think in terms of like masculine versus
1284.4 feminine? I do sometimes, but um that is an
1289.52 interesting question also because I identify as non-binary. So, it’s I I don’t I I feel like I have
1298.88 a balance between both energies. I I lean easily towards both.
1305.36 Um it’s so interesting. I I I don’t even I don’t even think about it really all the
1311.76 time, but um I think with the there’s certain things that will evoke the
1318.4 masculine energy and then there’s certain things that will evoke the more feminine energy. I’m trying to think of
1324.559 examples now, but that’s definitely there’s definitely a balance there in both being used there in the in the
1330.48 scenes. Brandon, do you have an answer to that question?
1336.159 Um, well, we were talking a little bit about this before we got on the call, but I partners that I have lean much
1342.72 more feminine and so I usually show up with a much more masculine energy, but sometimes that dynamic will get flipped
1349.679 even like midsession. Um, and I think, you know, Andy, you were giving an example of like wanting to be cuddled or
1355.28 like patted on the head, like held. Um, there’ll be times for me where like I want that nurturance, that feminine
1361.919 energy there, but then also feels like there’s this caregiving part and so they bring a little ma masculinity there and
1368.88 I think that helps to soften me a little bit. Um, so I’m not coming, you know, full 100% masculine, very extreme, and
1377.039 it gives a nice play or dynamic to that. Yeah.
1382.48 I think every human has like balance of masculine and feminine like yin and yang. We tend to like think in extremes
1388.72 like this is a woman, this is a man and then we tend to play out or exaggerate those traits especially men. men do this
1395.039 like I got to be hyper masculine alpha male and like I don’t know if you had this Brandon
1400.08 like did you have a sense at the start of BDSM of like I have to be super masculine like I can’t have any of that
1405.52 feminine energy like can’t have any of that stuff like I came into it like hyper masculine and it took me a while
1411.2 to add in more of the like gentle caregiving looking after people sort of energy.
1416.48 Yeah. I think um there’s a part of me that gentle caring energy is like natural to me. And I think I stuffed
1424.0 that or like like don’t do this. This is not part of being a dom until I really understood dominance later. And like the
1430.48 way I always portray it as leadership in the relationship and I’m like well part of being a good leader, part of being
1436.72 you know a king of a kingdom is caring for the people that you’re leading. And I’m like, so that can absolutely be a
1442.48 part and I just had to learn um the balance of it rather than putting it in
1448.32 a box and not having it come out. Yeah. Cla, like when you came into this, did you like when you first started this
1454.64 stuff, were you from the beginning, I guess what I’m trying to say is do you
1459.679 have like preconceived notions of like a dom has to be like this and I have to do exactly this or did you kind of just
1465.2 like figure it out as you went? I think I definitely had preconceived
1471.039 ideas. I um I thought doms were supposed to be super hard and sadistic as well
1477.52 and like I started out that way too. But then I kind of had to figure it out
1483.44 for myself as I went along because I didn’t have any mentors or access to mentorship every year. So I had to
1489.36 figure out a lot of it by myself and it was a lot with my own healing journey
1495.36 that that evolved where things changed and I just kind of became more my own
1500.96 dom rather than trying to adhere to a certain image of a dom.
1506.4 M there’s also like rules in the BDSM like I say rules but like yeah like rules in BDSM in the BDSM community
1513.2 where they’re like a DOM has to be like this or a dom should be like that a sub should be like this and I got caught up
1518.24 in a lot of that a lot of the labels and stuff like that and like you I thought a dom had to be I don’t know if I’d say
1524.48 sadistic but like definitely not super cold cold is the right word
1529.84 I thought and I thought that about the word professional dominator
1536.4 which like is that the label that you’d use for yourself, Claire? Yes, absolutely.
1542.72 I thought professional dominatrix means I’m going to say this in a funny way. She’s a [ __ ] [ __ ] Like
1549.76 that. That’s what I thought it had to be. Like she’s just straight up a [ __ ] and like you come to her and she’s just
1554.799 like a [ __ ] She’s dressed in like full like Lyra like latex or something and she’s just like get on the bench and
1560.72 he’s like okay mistress like sorry. And then she’s like she starts hitting him and he’s like a I’m sorry. And he’s like
1566.159 she’s like [ __ ] you piece of [ __ ] Like I don’t know. I thought that’s what professional dominatrix means. And then
1571.679 at the end of it he leaves and his self-esteem has gone down and she gets money out of it. And like that’s the exchange. That’s why we went looking for
1577.679 like loving dominatrixes and like found you cuz like
1582.799 yeah there’s a weird stereotype there. Professional dominatrix hates people hates men. Do you hate men cla?
1592.64 Um, don’t say I’m to that. Don’t say don’t say to that.
1601.36 No. Okay. Like genuinely. Yeah. I don’t like people that much
1606.559 in general. I don’t know that I could do my work ethically and honestly if I did
1614.96 hate men. It doesn’t mean that I in general trust and feel safe with them,
1621.279 but I don’t hate men. And I can’t hate men when so many of my
1628.32 clients are men and then do right by them. Okay. Can you please go deeper on what
1634.0 you said before? Like trust and safety. G, this is something that I don’t think
1639.84 about as much because I’m a man and I’m bigger than all of my submissives. Yeah. How do you
1646.799 balance safety for yourself? Like you remaining safe in a session.
1654.0 My vetting process plays a really good role in that. Um so I’ve formulated my
1660.32 application process in a way that the questions that are asked tell me a lot about the person’s intentions towards
1666.96 me. So, I can easily tell when someone is just viewing me as like a kink
1673.36 dispenser or trying to objectify or sexualize me or their experience versus
1680.0 when someone is being genuine about a relationship with me. So, my basing
1685.6 process helps me weed out the stuff I don’t want. And then with the intro
1690.96 session, that also helps me get a feeling of the person and I always trust my gut with that. And from there on it’s
1698.559 they’re welcome to come to the dungeon and then it’s I have to trust them the
1704.159 same way they have to trust me. I haven’t really ever had issues though. Do you prefer to have ongoing you said
1711.279 the word relationships like like multiple sessions with the same do you call them client?
1717.52 Yeah. I prefer having a long-term relationship or dynamic with a person
1724.72 where we have multiple sessions every week, not every week but like monthly
1730.48 and so on. I find it builds a lot deeper and the sessions you can push further with the
1737.279 sessions and you learn more about the person and it kind of becomes more meaningful and deeper and it’s just
1743.6 beautiful and that’s where the journey is with this person where you can facilitate the healing experience for
1749.919 them. Healing seems to play a big part of it for you and it does for me and for
1755.679 Brandon and I as well. Are you going into every session with that mindset of like like what is your mindset and your
1762.0 intention? Do you set an intention before every play session most of the time? Yes. For it depends
1770.08 also on the person um and where they’re at in their journey and their goals and expectations. So if it’s a new person
1777.52 for example or someone who’s either new to me or new to the scene completely
1782.96 then exploration might be the intent and goal. So then it’s just a gentle exploration of different things and
1789.36 sussing it out. And then the deeper we go, the better we
1794.88 can go. So then I can start working on specific things like their confidence or their people pleasing and saying sorry
1802.88 too many times. Then I can start working like towards specific things and having an specific
1809.52 intent. Um, for some, um, I might even go more on the
1815.44 spiritual side of kink and like include more spiritual elements for them because that’s part of their journey. So, it
1822.08 really it depends on each person’s journey um, where they’re at, but I definitely do have an intention for each
1829.12 scene. Yes. Okay. Would you mind giving like an example of let’s say you feel someone
1836.0 has a lot of like peopleleasing elements and like you said they say sorry too many times like they keep saying oh my god please I’m sorry I’m sorry please
1842.08 forgive me like to the point where they’re not okay and they’re just racked with guilt. How would you start sort of
1848.399 like untangling that and helping them with that? I try to combat it and by saying just
1857.44 reaffirming like, hey, you you don’t have anything to say sorry for. Like if they say sorry I’m being annoying, like
1863.919 I’m I just say like, no, you’re not being annoying at all. You’re worth my time. Like it’s okay. Um I’m here for
1870.48 you. So I validate them and I tell them you don’t have to say sorry. And then sometimes um I incorporate some little
1877.76 punishments. So what works with brats especially is if they have to drink
1884.48 water for every time that they say sorry unnecessarily because they hate that.
1890.64 And with one brat recently the water drinking didn’t help with her. She said sorry as she was taking off of water. So
1899.039 such a bad thing to do. So for her, I um I started saying,
1905.2 « Okay, for every time that I pick up that she’s saying sorry, that she’s not supposed to say sorry for, she has to
1910.48 put a clothing peg on her tongue for one minute. » So that’s that’s sometimes the
1917.2 punishments start working there as well. Yeah. Yeah. Do you always like when you
1924.159 punish I guess what is the energy behind your punishment? Because a lot of people hear the word punish and they think back
1930.0 to like parents smacking them as a child with like anger and hatred as they’re doing it. Like a the word punishment
1936.08 comes with so many connotations of violence, hate, anger, rage and like a dislike of the person in
1943.2 that moment. So I make a clear distinguish
1948.559 between a punishment and a punishment. So, a punishment is something that the
1953.84 sub has like a lovehate relationship with. That could be something as simple as like a light spanking. And then a
1960.559 punishment could be harder spanking, for example, something that they genuinely don’t like doing or like writing lines.
1967.6 And I only the punishments I dish out whenever just because I’m a sadist and
1973.279 I’m having fun and I want you to be weird for a minute.
1979.2 So, and then the punishments are only for actual transgressions. Like if they
1986.0 missed their bedtime, then I will give them a punishment of like 30 minutes earlier bedtime for 3 days. Um, so the
1994.159 punishment has to fit the crime very much so that it actually works. If they
1999.44 speaking badly about themselves, then I might tell them, okay, you have to write affirmation lines like 100 times. So
2006.559 it’s not the punishments that I do are always to help them grow and be better
2014.24 rather than just break them down or punish them harshly. It’s just more
2019.919 focused on uplifting them. Correct. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I love how your version of
2027.679 punishment is like I’m trying to help them with their sleep and I’m trying to help them affirm themselves and love themselves more. This [ __ ] won’t
2034.0 love themselves enough. I’m going to like help them with that. I do the same [ __ ] Like I I don’t do it as a punishment, but I do it with my clients
2039.84 where I’m like like if they come to the coaching and they they keep being very negative and getting caught up in beating themselves up. I’ll be like,
2045.6 « All right, write five reasons why you’re a great human being. » Or if they’re like, « No woman will ever love me. I’m never going to get a
2051.28 girlfriend. » I’m like, « Right 50 reasons why someone would love you. » And like there’s not a punishment, but it’s like
2057.2 Yeah. Brandon, you said like corrective behavior or like reframing almost. Yeah. Um, I usually give them out as
2064.159 assignments. So, I don’t frame them as punishments, but I’m like, « Okay, you have an assignment this week. » Um, like
2069.2 I have a submissive now that she was having struggling like loving herself.
2075.28 And I was like, « You know what? I think I have an assignment for you this week. I’m like, every day I want you to write a note of something you love about
2080.879 yourself. Put it on the mirror and then I want you to send a picture of it to me. » And she’s had to do that for the
2086.079 last two weeks. So, anytime something like that comes up, I do it as assignments. Um, I do punishments every
2092.639 once in a while, but they’re very rare and in between and it’s like a major transgression. And I’m usually it’s
2098.96 trying to delineate this is a value that we both hold and you’re not following the value. You’re not saying you’re not
2105.76 being the person that you say you want to be. So, I’m going to make this a clear distinction in your mind. And those
2111.359 rarely ever happen, but when they do, that’s when I would use a punishment.
2118.4 Yeah. One of the women that I’m seeing right now, she sent me this like meme that she saw on Instagram that just
2124.88 said, « BDSM torture scene. Will you force me to like myself? » And she’s like, « Is this you, daddy? » And I was
2130.24 like, « Yeah, kind of. » Like I guess maybe coming from the other side
2135.599 of things, like a few of your boundaries, Cla, cuz you on your website, you list all of your
2140.64 boundaries, which I freaking love. So before people even meet you or do an intro session with you, it’s like here’s
2146.32 the things Claire will not do. One of them that you put is degradation aimed at identity. Another one was making a
2152.88 submissive cry intentionally. Another one was like body shaming them. Those are all like self-esteem kind of things,
2158.079 right? Like you’re trying not to lower that person’s self-esteem. Absolutely. Those are those are just
2164.24 hard limits that I knew were hard limits. I’d never tried it even. Like I just knew I not something I ever want
2170.72 to do. I don’t want to break down this person’s identity or self-esteem. I only want to
2177.44 help them be and grow and feel good about themselves.
2183.52 M those are three very important cla I’m wondering I know for myself so
2189.44 like speaking for myself um I see like an immense power in being the dominant to be able to
2195.52 facilitate that journey for a semester but I see that I am only able to do it
2201.359 now because I went through that journey myself of building up my self-esteem or
2206.56 making myself um better in different areas of my life and so I’m curious did
2212.32 you hold these views the same that you know the views that you hold now did you hold them in the beginning or you know
2218.8 what was the journey for you um in growing as a doll there were some things that were that
2225.359 way from the start but definitely a lot of these evolved over the years as I
2230.72 went through my own healing process as well kind of the same as you then with the same healing process and just seeing
2238.16 but okay these are not and also from experience
2243.28 not just from my own healing experience, but also from dealing with different subs and seeing how things can impact
2250.4 them. I’m like, whoa, no, this is not something I want to touch
2255.52 on. I think especially the like body shaming stuff and like shaming, like you said,
2262.24 uh, degradation directed at identity. Um, that ties into what you were saying before about using I think you said the
2269.68 word possessive or ownership language. So, so I want to make this distinction really clear for anyone listening who doesn’t understand what we’re talking
2275.119 about. So, degradation directed at someone’s identity would be like saying
2280.64 you suck or you are a piece of [ __ ] or like you are a [ __ ] But what we instead
2286.16 do is say you’re my little [ __ ] And that might seem like such a tiny little distinction of like you’re just saying
2291.76 the word my and it’s like yeah yeah yeah. What you’re saying is in this moment in time for me in this play
2297.119 session, you are almost like roleplaying as my little [ __ ] but you are not a [ __ ] as a human being. That doesn’t mean
2303.76 you’re a bad person as a human being. You don’t have to go out there into the real world and like judge yourself as this thing. I think that distinction is
2310.88 really key, but I have had a few people that have come to me for BDSM play and they say, « Yeah, my last stom told me
2316.0 like I am a slut. » Like you are straight up a [ __ ] or you’re a bad girl. I think that’s the biggest one. like you’re a
2322.24 bad girl or a bad boy can really start to get in someone’s head like if you aim it at them as a human
2328.64 being. Yeah. I think there’s also a like when you’re
2334.079 adding in that possessive element um them being the [ __ ] or whatever you’re calling them is empowering because it’s
2343.04 the behavior that you want in that moment from them and so you’re like you’re doing it like this is really
2348.56 great for me. But the second part of it is allowing them to be fully human. Like we
2354.8 all have these other parts of us like being a [ __ ] or whatever. And what I’m doing is affirming that in you. I’m
2360.72 seeing your full humanity. This part that everybody else says is bad and is not okay to have. I’m saying yes, I want
2366.72 that. It’s beautiful. Please keep doing it. Yeah,
2371.839 I fully agree with that. That’s actually one of the things that I said at the workshop earlier tonight is like
2377.68 the ownership language just means that you’re holding this. You’re seeing this person in everything the full state that
2384.4 they’re in and welcoming all of it and saying this is good. I like this. Let’s play with this.
2390.56 Mhm. That’s beautiful. CLA, you’re basically talking about like
2396.24 non-judgmentalism, complete acceptance of the person, and almost unconditional love. Like a big
2402.88 part of BDSM as the dome, at least the way it seems like the three of us do it, is like literally accepting that person.
2408.88 How do you do that in a way where you are still saying like here are the qualities that I want you to imbue or to
2414.88 be. Here are the standards that I expect for you and there will be some punishment if you don’t meet those
2420.56 standards. But I won’t hate you for it. Like I’ll still accept that you were a little bit bratty. I’ll accept that you
2426.96 didn’t do what you were told and I’ll love you through that. Like there’ll be consequences but the consequences will
2432.24 come with love. Exactly like that. Like with the communication like yeah the everything had to be so
2439.44 clearly communicated and my communication skills improved vastly
2444.88 from doming and learning to work with different people. Um I thought I was
2450.8 okay with communication before and then I started doming and I was like okay wait now I know what communication is.
2456.8 And literally just being transparent with that and being clear of like, hey, I’m not rejecting you as a person. I’m
2463.599 still welcoming you, you and it’s okay that you made a mistake, but this is what I want from you and
2469.04 this is what we’re working towards and here’s a consequence for you because the consequences are part of the
2476.8 structure that they need. They sometimes they do things on purpose to see if
2483.04 you’re going to care enough to enforce what you said you or if you’re going to hold the structure and the boundaries.
2489.28 So, you have to enforce it. You have to be consistent with all of those things.
2494.72 Yeah. M I also find um when you’re like laying these expectations out and you’re
2500.4 telling them like the things that we’re doing are here to help you grow or become a better person that sometimes
2506.56 that gets looked at as the person that they are now is not enough or that
2512.0 they’re less than or something like that. And I’ve had to navigate letting them know I accept you as a person and
2519.04 you who you are and helping them like pull apart their identity of like what
2524.319 they look like or what they do skills that they have and this immutable part of them as a human part of humanity that
2531.599 we all accept and respect and love. We can improve these other things but it doesn’t mean that you’re less than. And
2537.839 when I have expectations it’s because I believe in you enough to be able to do those things. It’s not because I’m
2543.28 saying you’re not enough. You have to be these things. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Because this is the same as like my life
2549.68 coaching and stuff. You’re saying I can see the potential in you, but who you
2555.119 are right now is more than enough. And I phrase it like this. You’re great right now. You’re perfect right now. And in
2561.76 the future, you’ll just be a little bit more. And that seems like a contradiction cuz you’re like, but that means I’m not enough right now. It’s
2567.44 like, no, we’re not in the future yet. Things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you want to be more confident,
2572.96 that will take time. That doesn’t mean your future self is better than you right now. Although at the same time, yes, it does.
2579.28 Like two things can be true at the same time. In the future, you will be more. Right now, you are enough. In the
2584.56 future, you’ll be enough in that moment, too. So, it’s sort of like it seems like a paradox. The self-improvement paradox
2589.92 is you saying, « I’m not enough right now. » But you are. So, it’s like you’re just wrapping it up in love. The same way when you were born, you didn’t know
2597.28 how to walk. Now, you know how to walk. Does that mean you sucked as a baby? You know, you were perfect as a baby. Like,
2603.44 wow, I’m doing such a [ __ ] job as this baby. I can’t even walk. I can’t even feed myself. I can’t even Andy, what kind of dom are you? Freaking
2610.48 degraded babies now. Yeah.
2616.48 You just see baby, you see like a mother pushing her baby in the pram and you just walk up, you’re like, « Your baby sucks, woman. » Like, you can’t even hold
2622.64 a job. like [Laughter]
2630.72 yeah I guess back on back on topic okay completely changing directions you
2637.119 mentioned before that you have some male submissives some female submissives like do you work with one more than the other
2642.88 do you prefer working with one more than the other how does the energy change between them
2648.319 I have a good mix of all genders I’ve got trans and non-binary people, too.
2656.24 Um, it’s I think it’s a very good mix between them. My South African clientele
2662.64 is more male, but internationally it’s it’s a nice blend of everything. I
2669.119 haven’t really noticed a difference in energy, I think, because
2675.839 it’s still it boils down to the submissive energy. I don’t
2681.76 maybe it’s also just me being autistic and not seeing gender in people and
2686.8 noticing that but it’s just it’s more about the person’s energy for me than about their actual bits that physically
2694.56 what they’ve got going on. You’re still the same. Yeah. Do you change? I guess that’s my
2701.119 question. Do you change or do you show up with the same energy each time? Like like do you literally think differently depending on the gender or the sexuality
2707.68 or like No, I don’t think so. I think I treat everyone basically the same. I don’t
2714.64 have a preference with working with different people. It’s honestly just
2721.2 if a sub comes to me with the right energy and the right mindset, that curiosity and open-mindedness, then I’m
2727.68 happy to explore and play with them. I don’t the other stuff doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t really matter to me.
2736.48 It might change the physical of what you’re doing. Like if someone has different genitals, you obviously like there’s something different down there,
2742.079 but like yeah, the energy is the same, I guess. Do you change
2747.359 depending on the energy of the subden? So like if someone comes to you and they’re just absolutely like a people
2752.8 pleaser and they’re just like, « Please Claire, please like like please like me. » versus if someone comes and they’re
2758.56 like, « Hm, Cla, you’re going to have to like make me do things like that bratty energy. » Does that change your sessions?
2764.8 Absolutely. Yes. Yes. I I’ve sometimes said and I didn’t coin this term.
2770.16 Someone else on Tik Tok said this that um they refer to themselves as like a chameleon dom where like you adapt your
2778.079 style to the sub that you’re playing with and what their so that’s I kind of view myself as
2785.359 comedian dom in that regard where it’s it’s fully adapts to whoever I’m playing
2790.8 with. Very good and stimulating for the brain.
2796.16 Yeah. No. Okay. We me too. Um, so Brandon calls himself like a pleasure dom. I call myself a facilitator. Like
2804.4 whatever experience they are coming to me for, I want to facilitate that. Like would that be a good explanation of you
2810.72 and your style? Yeah, facilitator is amazing. That’s an amazing term for it. Yeah. Well done.
2816.16 Yeah. Yeah. Again, I think people have um I I’ll I’ll quickly say
2821.839 Go ahead. You’re being a brat, Brandon. [Laughter]
2828.96 I will quickly say I will quickly say uh [ __ ] I lost it. Fine. There you go. I’m
2834.079 being a brat. Brandon, you go. I submit. You go, brother. Uh, I was going to say, uh, there’s, um, a sex
2841.599 educator called Miss Ja, and she has something called a blueprint quizzes. And, um, one of the blueprints in there
2848.079 is called a shape shifter. And it’s basically somebody that can shift their, um, sexual identity to better match
2855.119 their partners and what, um, they want. And I’m definitely a person like that. However, the shadow side of that is you
2863.76 don’t always get your needs fulfilled because you’re always shifting to that other person. And I think part of my
2871.28 journey in being a dom was learning to speak up and assert my needs and like
2879.04 create and facilitate sessions that also met those. One of the reasons that I love dominance and submission in the
2885.68 framework is because at least for me as a dom, I’m trying to facilitate something that meets both our needs. Um,
2891.68 there’s a mutual vision or goal that we have and if that’s in a single play session, it might be, you know, extreme
2897.599 pleasure or something for both of us, but you know, I also do this stuff outside the bedroom and so it might be
2902.64 an entire vision for our relationship or our life depending on what we’re doing. But the dynamic allowing, okay, we’re
2908.319 both going to speak up for what we need and the things that we don’t want and try and create some sort of action plan
2915.04 towards that is something that I love about this dynamic and framework. Yeah.
2921.44 Segueing a little bit, CLA, you were talking with one of your subs, I think Alan, again, in one of
2927.44 your videos, and you said, « I care for each and every one of my submissives. I don’t want to play with you if I don’t
2933.359 care about you. I’m not going to enjoy it. you’re not going to enjoy it. Have you ever had experiences where like for
2940.079 whatever reason, like it doesn’t matter what the reason is, where you feel almost like you don’t care about the
2946.079 person, maybe just in that session, maybe in general, like and how have you navigated that?
2951.68 I’ve had a dynamic that I ended because of that. I had ended up with compassion fatigue with this person
2959.04 um because they there was just like an absolute refusal to try from their side
2968.4 and it was specifically that was one of my development dynamics and I just the refusal to try and then one week it
2975.76 might be better and then two weeks later it’s down in the dumps again and it was just an endless cycle and refusal to try
2982.8 and I got compassion fatigue with that and I knew that this was not a good place for me to be in anymore. So, I
2989.76 ended the dynamic with that person. Yeah, I’ve had that once or twice with people that I’ve dated and I’ve had that
2996.64 absolutely with coaching clients. Same thing exactly what you’re talking about where it’s like
3002.0 I’m really sad. I’m depressed. This sucks. My life sucks. And you’re like, okay, I get that. I’m here. I’m listening. And you’ll listen for hours
3008.24 and then okay, like how about we just try this one little baby step to start healing this thing. what if we get you
3013.599 out there to just talk to one stranger to start making some friends or like what if we just get you to go to the gym
3019.28 or just we do one little baby step and they go I can’t do that it’s too hard it’s it’s not going to work like and all
3025.04 of that and you you keep being that loving presence and you keep holding space and listening and then compassion
3030.8 fatigue yeah I haven’t heard that term but I think that’s yeah yeah it’s it’s it’s it’s not great when
3038.72 it happens because you don’t want to be that person that gives up on them. You don’t want to quit on them. Yeah.
3044.64 You don’t want to quit on them, but your energy is being sapped and you need to
3050.16 hold that boundary for your energy. Mhm. I always I call it like emotional
3055.359 capacity. I only have like there is a limit to my emotional capacity and I hate saying that um because I want to be
3062.24 there for that person fully as I can. But if we go over that limit now,
3067.28 anything that I’m giving you actually isn’t full 100%. like there’s a little bit of impresentment in there now. Um
3073.599 it’s not 100% pure. It’s not genuine. So I was like if you want genuine, we have
3078.96 to stay within this capacity. Yeah. Yeah. I I’m kind of going through this
3085.28 right now. Like I’ll keep the details out of it, but like I’m going through this in my personal life and one of my
3090.319 best mates said this to me yesterday. He was like, « Mate, the dynamic that you’re in right now with this person,
3098.079 you are trying to help them, but you’ve probably crossed over the boundary now where you’re actually taking away from
3104.0 them because it’s coming from a place of like resentment a little bit and like you wishing that they would just hurry up and change. You are probably just
3110.88 reinforcing that their own narrative that there’s something wrong with them. I know you don’t believe that, Andy.
3116.24 they believe that about themselves, but like this continual effort to try and help them is now just reinforcing that
3123.04 they desperately need help and like [ __ ] and they’re unhelpable and they’re a problem and they’re too depressed and all of that. He’s like probably the
3128.559 kindest thing you could do is either like give them space or cut it off or like whatever you got to do. So yeah,
3134.16 like I guess the three of us I I definitely get this sense from the two of you that like you want to be there
3139.599 for people, you want to help them, you want to love them, and like sometimes people just I don’t know, it’s like
3144.96 they’re not ready to be loved. They’re not ready to feel good. I think we
3150.24 talked about that at the start of this episode. Like sometimes people will come to you with like a self-hatred energy of like, I’m a piece of [ __ ] And no matter
3156.4 how much you try and lift them up, they might not want that or be ready for that is probably a kinder way of saying that.
3163.44 Claire, Claire, would you like to tell people where they can find more about you? Maybe your YouTube channel. Where
3169.52 can they sign up for your professional services and learn more about you? I am here on YouTube. My handle is
3176.72 dom_cla and you can also check out my website. The link is in my bio on my YouTube, but
3184.64 it’s also domlair.com. So, that’s the easiest way to see everything I do.
3190.48 Amazing. Thank you so much. Brandon, where can people find more of you, sir? Brandonthed.com
3196.8 is where you can find all my writing and content. I’m also on YouTube at Brandon
3201.839 the Dom. Amazing. I appreciate both of you. This was really cool. This was like This was
3208.72 like 10 times better than I thought it would be. and I already had high expectations. So, like, thank you.
3215.04 Awesome. That’s amazing. I’m glad. And thank you, uh, Claire for sharing
3220.16 all of this stuff that you did today and kind of like your insights. And it’s just good for like Andy and I to get,
3225.44 you know, different perspective. So, I really appreciate it. Anytime. Honestly, if you’ve got more stuff you want to do, I’m happy to do
3231.839 another evening. All right. Thank you so much, Claire. We’ll let you go. Go to bed if you want to. That’s not
3238.96 me telling you what to do.
.

Punition Homme sur Femme : Discipline et Connexion

La punition pratiquée par un homme sur une femme explore une relation de discipline où respect et consentement sont essentiels. Sur ilovebdsm.org, découvrez des ressources pour comprendre cette dynamique et la pratiquer en toute sécurité. Une expérience de pouvoir partagé qui renforce la confiance et l’intimité entre partenaires.